


hold me like i'm more than a friend

by nerdinacrown



Category: One Direction (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 16:02:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8108671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdinacrown/pseuds/nerdinacrown
Summary: about Zayn leaving. not finished- never will be, just fyi.Based on the quote: "I hope that in the future they invent a small golden light that follows you everywhere and when something is about to end, it shines brightly so you know it’s about to end.And if you’re never going to see someone again, it’ll shine brightly and both of you can be polite and say, “It was nice to have you in my life while I did, good luck with everything that happens after now.”And maybe if you’re never going to eat at the same restaurant again, it’ll shine and you can order everything off the menu you’ve never tried. Maybe, if someone’s about to buy your car, the light will shine and you can take it for one last spin. Maybe, if you’re with a group of friends who’ll never be together again, all your lights will shine at the same time and you’ll know, and then you can hold each other and whisper, “This was so good. Oh my God, this was so good.” -Iain S. Thomas





	

Luminaries weren't always the most super reliable part of human biology. It happened to them often, they would light up on mornings they would talk to an interviewer they wouldn't work with again, or a fan they'd only meet once, or woke up in a hotel they wouldn't stay in next time they were in that city, but that morning, Zayn knew something about his little light was different. 

 

"I want to go home... I think it's time to go," he says glancing up at his light. 

 

Javaad nods like he could tell the difference too. "Let's go home then." 

 

Zayn takes his time packing up the few personal things he had with him. Telling Javaad he was finally, truly done and finding his handful of possessions was the easy part. Saying goodbye was going to be hard, and maybe if he managed to pack slow enough and leave when the boys were getting on stage he wouldn't have to. But he owed it to them to say goodbye. He owed it to himself.

 

He decides to tell Harry first. He knows somehow that Harry will be the most understanding, or at least the least confrontive, and could ease him into having to tell the others, but he still feels sick to his stomach with nerves as he walks down the hall to his room, dragging his feet like his shoes had been replaced with cement blocks. Zayn knocks on his door, and it’s only after he walks in after Harry’s gentle “come in!” that he realizes he spent all his thought working up the courage to come here at all, that he forgot to think of how to say it. He stands barely within the threshold, eyes on his feet. Without his permission, tears start rolling down his cheeks. He watches as a few hit his shoes. After what feels like hours, he lifts his head to a confused looking Harry who has his eyebrows creased in concern, looking between the tears in Zayn’s eyes, Zayn’s glowing luminary, and Harry’s own luminary, growing larger from a small speck so quickly and glowing so brightly it almost seems to shake and hum. 

 

“Harry…,” Zayn manages to crack out, almost inaudibly. 

 

In two bounds of his long legs, Harry is out of bed and across the room, holding Zayn tightly in his arms, Zayn’s wet eyes pressed into his shoulder, his long hair tickling Zayn’s ear. Zayn just stands there, hugging him back, and crying into his shoulder. Harry whispers long strings of whatever seems to come to him in Zayn’s ear, “I know”s and “this was so good, oh my god this was so good”s and “I forgive you” and “I love you”s. He doesn’t ask for an explanation, and Zayn doesn’t give him one. He thinks he already knows. 

 

He tells Niall next, and for the rest of his life, he’ll probably define heartbreak by the look on Niall’s face when he does. He knocks on Niall’s door like he did Harry’s, without a clue of what he’s going to say because he never practiced because he didn’t need to say anything to Harry. But Niall will want an explanation, and in detail. Unlike Harry, Niall actually comes and opens the door with a “Well hello Zayno!” His smile immediately falters when he sees Zayn’s red eyes and bright luminary, looking over his shoulder at his own soft light. “Zayn?” he asks in nearly a whisper, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes, but stepping aside to let Zayn come in. 

“I just can’t, I can’t do it anymore Niall... I’m leaving,” he says, finding it hard to look Niall in the eyes for more than two seconds in a row. 

 

Niall just makes a choked, sad kind of noise in response, blue eyes filling with tears, tripping over his feet as he walks backwards, trying to put distance between him and Zayn. He clears his throat, opening his mouth like he’s about to speak, but just sort of moves his jaw around like a fish. 

 

Zayn tries to fill the uncomfortable silence, “yell at me if ya want. I understand.”

 

“No!- no… I’m not going to yell at you,” Niall replies with speed and force that seems to shock even himself. “Is it just, is it something I did? Is there anything I can do to make you stay?” 

 

Zayn feels like he’s crumbling under the sadness in the look Niall is giving him. “Niall, babe, that’s not it at all. This just was never what I expected or wanted… it’s just not my scene or music, and I’m so tired,” he rushes to get out before the tears overtake him again. “This is not about you at all. You boys are the reason I’ve stuck on as long as I have. I’m so sorry, Niall, I love you.”

 

Niall is a bright red, tears pouring down his face, sniffing like crazy. “I love you too,” he says, finally uncrossing his arms and stepping forward to hug Zayn. They stand there hugging one another for a long time, not saying anything, unable to speak through their tears. Out of some sort of shock, or maybe a coping mechanism, Niall starts to laugh. “You better come round all the time for a beer and chat,” Niall tells him and kisses his cheek. Zayn just gives him a small smile, and doesn’t remind him what the luminaries mean. 

 

Louis finds out next, and it’s the least pretty goodbye so far. Zayn’s less teary when he explains it to him, tired from crying so much already. Louis stands with his arms crossed and back to Zayn, looking out the window the whole time he speaks. The only proof he’s even still alive is the tiny almost head turns he makes to look at the ominous ball of light over his shoulder. When Zayn finishes his spiel, “it’s just not what I want anymore...it’s not your fault,” basically what he told Niall plus several versions of, “I’ve tried to tell you for awhile,” Louis doesn’t even turn around. He leaves Zayn standing there, pulls a cigarette out of his pocket, and smokes it down to the butt before finally turning around and looking at Zayn with a piercing stare he’s seen before, but never been on the receiving end of. Then in a flurry of quick movements, he’s punched Zayn in the face. The surprise of it stings more than the wound itself, and when he swings again, this time at Zayn’s stomach, Zayn is somehow quick enough to catch his fist. Louis’ fiery eyes snap up from his target on Zayn’s middle, to meet with Zayn’s wide, scared ones, and tries to wiggle his arm away from Zayn’s grip. 

 

“Louis,” Zayn exclaims, and it seems to break Louis out of his angry trance. Louis’ angry look turns to one of hurt and confusion, like he’s never seen Zayn before and like a child he just drops to sit on the floor and cry. Zayn just sits down next to him, and and holds him as he cries, tears silently rolling down his own face. It should be awkward, crying and holding each other from weird angles on the floor, but it’s not. 

 

They haven’t sat there very long when Louis turns to him and apologizes, “sorry I punched you in the nose...kind of.” It pulls a weird sort of laugh out of Zayn, and he gives a little shrug like  _ don’t worry about it _ . “We were in this together..partners in crime,” Louis continues.

 

“I know,” is all Zayn says back, and it’s the last words they share for awhile. They continue to stay on the floor next to one another for a few more minutes, lying down next to each other, arms pressed together. Louis falls asleep at some point, probably exhausted from crying, and Zayn kisses him on the forehead, whispers “goodbye,” and makes his way out. 

 

Zayn smokes three cigarettes up on the roof before he even goes to talk to Liam, and cries the whole way down the stairs to his room. He knows this will be the worst goodbye he has to say, and part of him doesn’t want to say it at all. He just wants to turn around, grab his bag and leave without ever saying anything to him. He stares at Liam’s door without knocking for so long he bets whenever he closes his eyes for the next week he’ll see the wood grain behind his eyelids. He finally gets the courage to knock, but hears Liam’s feet pad to the door and wants to bolt. As he’s watching the door knob rotate, considering if he has time to make a break for it, his luminary just goes out completely. He’s in such a state of shock that when Liam opens the door and gives him a scrunchy-eyed smile, he just stares at him with his mouth agape. 

 

“Zayn?” Liam asks, waving his hand in front of Zayn’s unmoving face. The absence of Liam’s luminary over his shoulder feels more like a presence scratching at Zayn’s skin. “Mate, are you alright? You look like you’ve been crying or something, what’s up?” Liam presses, face creasing with concern. 

 

“Um,” Zayn answers eloquently. “Can I just come in for a minute?” he settles on.

 

“Of course babe, come on,” Liam says, a little bit of worry lifting from his face, his hand on the small of Zayn’s back as he leads him into the room giving away his remaining concern. The trivial, intimate contact seems monumental in the moment, and Zayn recklessly makes up his mind about what he’s going to do next. 

 

He turns around on the spot, so that Liam’s arm is still sort of wrapped around his back and looks Liam in the eyes with as much intensity as he can muster when he’s this close to Liam’s face, and his knees are shaking, and the emotion of this whole day and his future are looming over him. 

 

Liam gives him a slightly puzzled grin, “Zayn, what is going-?”

 

“Liam, please,” Zayn interrupts. “I have something I need to tell you, and it’s going to be so so hard, but I really want, no- need, to do something first, so please just…” Zayn trails off, slowly lifting his hand up to Liam’s cheek. 

 

“Just what?” Liam asks in a whisper, but his tone gives away that he knows what’s going to happen next, and he closes his eyes and leans in just to enough to meet Zayn’s lips with his own. Their kiss is better than all the times Zayn imagined it, Liam’s full lips soft beneath his own, his short stubble brushing Zayn’s chin just right. They kiss for a long time, Zayn walking Liam backwards to trap him against the wall. It isn’t rough, both of them pulling gently on each other’s lips and licking into the other’s mouth like they have forever and can take their time to savor and explore this new moment. 

 

The quiet buzzing in Zayn’s ear telling him their luminaries are beginning to shine reminds him that they don’t have time. Hot tears begin to roll down his cheek as he grabs Liam’s face between his hands and presses into the kiss with more force, being less gentle with the way he bites Liam’s lips, and tasting his tongue with the fervor of a man who hasn’t eaten in weeks. The salt of his tears turns the taste of their kiss bitter and the buzzing started by those stupid balls of light is echoing so loudly in his head. He can feel Liam trying to pull away, but he can’t let him do that. Liam can’t open his eyes and look back and see those fucking luminaries telling them they will never be together again. Liam pulls back anyway, and Zayn can see the moment he sees them in his eyes. 

 

“Babe… why are our luminaries glowing?” Liam asks, face suddenly dropping, looking like he wants to back away from Zayn, but can’t because of the wall. 

 


End file.
